Your patience is abounding in love

February 21, 2017

I’ve heard enough testimonies about God’s faithfulness and his abundant love to begin to believe them for myself. So when I desperately needed God I just knew He would show up because He showed up for all His other children. I trusted in this theology because God is perfect, and he’s never late. But what happens when God doesn’t make it in time? What happens when the one thing we were solely betting God to make happen doesn’t? What now.

I am in a constant battle with myself, with the enemy and sometimes even God. You see my flesh tells me that God might not make it in time, the enemy says God won't even show up and well God, He tells me He’s here. What do you mean you’re here God? As if I want Your presence over my goal, or my dream, or even just the money to pay my bills. Why do I want your presence God when you didn’t come through for me when I really needed you to?

When I don’t get my way in life I tend to shut down or even push others away- at least that’s how I used to be. So no surprise when God doesn’t give me the one thing I was praying for day in and day out, I get mad and I want to push Him away. I get so mad at God sometimes when all that happened was I didn’t get what I have been praying for. What about those people who pray for the safety of their child and then lose them to a drunk driver, no wonder people fall away from God so easily. What do I have to do to get a prayer answered around here? I start to micro-analyze every little thing I’ve done to try and get my prayer answered. God, it wasn’t even that big of a prayer! Did someone else deserve it more than me? Did I tithe over the blessing to someone else in the kingdom? Did You even care about what I needed in the first place?

I get so mad at God I try and refuse to stare at the sunset when I’m driving. Okay maybe a glimpse, no, I’m mad at you God I don’t want to stare at your beauty. But then I get caught up in the sunset by even just a glimpse at it. I stare at it until I begin to see spots in my eyes because well, I’m staring directly at the sun. I try and pull and away but I can’t. I’m mad at God but Kari Jobe is playing through my stereo. I’m mad at God but I’m staring at His beauty at the risk of my vision. I’m so mad at God for not giving me what I asked for, yet I can’t help but end up seeking Him out in every subconscious thing I do. 

Because at the core of who I am I know God is good. I know He cares for me and I know He loves me despite how mad at Him I am. He sits in my car with me even though I want to scream my head off I’m so frustrated. I just want something to change I scream in my head. I’m still listening to worship music. Why is it so hard to celebrate with others when they got what I was praying for? Jesus, you’re within me, come forth and help me celebrate others. I’m still staring at the sunset at this point. I can’t pull away. The sun is so beautiful. 

The sun is so beautiful

In the midst of driving in traffic, screaming in my head, and potentially losing my 20/20 vision all my anger falls away as God’s love sits in my car with me. His presence is with me. Amidst all the pain, frustration and confusion I feel God’s love make me forget every bit of it and just focus on His presence. 

I know better than to say God isn’t good or doesn’t have my best interest at heart, I just wouldn’t believe it. He doesn’t even have to say a word His presence speaks volumes to my soul. I probably start crying at this point because I remember I don’t care about anything but holding God’s presence near. The enemy has so no hold when we focus on the presence of the Lord. I begin to remember the gospel. I remember the promises God has spoken over my life and hold onto every last word. At this point I can look at Jesus and He asks me simple questions. 
“Have I provided for you”? Yes. “Have you been forgiven”? Yes. “Is my grace sufficient enough”? Yes. 

I remember the disciples and how they believed in Jesus because they knew Him. Even when they were sought out, persecuted and killed, they believed in Him. And I’m sitting here pissed because I didn’t get what I prayed for. Matthew 6:33 says "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you”. Was I seeking God’s kingdom this whole time? No. Was I seeking His presence above all? No. I was seeking my desires and my prayers. It’s not a bad thing to realize and there is not condemnation but we, and myself, need to remember why we are asking for these things and what God we are praying to. Are we praying to the God of instant gratification or are we praying to the God of salvation and abundance? God’s promises aren’t always instant, in fact in the bible I realize how majority of them were not instant. 

We serve a God who offers His Presence to us at the cost of His son. That isn’t something to take for granted, but rather something to seek after for the rest of our lives. 

Back to the car scene, this little scenario is real and it happens to me on a recent occurrence. However, each time I am met by love Himself and remembered what kind of God I serve and it is well with my soul.


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