What Love Is Made Of

April 4, 2017


I'm a sucker for romance. Not the cliche, "the best friend is in love with the boyfriend and then they end up together story", more like those indie romance films that are on Netflix that only I and a few others actually watch. There's one I was obsessed with, where a girl from London studied in America and then fell in love and had to live long distance with her boyfriend back in America. Then they endure all these issues with her visa and have to break up,  and they have to date other people, etc. You get the picture. I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been pondering on this one topic for some time, love. It’s like a space opened up in my heart for someone to come into after being closed for some time since my recent heartbreak. The space felt good and freeing but loneliness also came with the territory. 

It set into motion a rollercoaster of emotions of dreaming of the future partner I would have but also the past. It’s hard not to go back to a time where I felt in love when there’s a space in my heart demanding to be filled. I know that God is there to fill every inch of my heart at any time and for all time. But there will always be this space longing for the other half because it’s what we were designed for, to be in covenant with another human. So back to the past, let me tell you about mine. 

At fifteen I fell in love for the first time. He was my second boyfriend and I fell head over heels with the way we were together. But how good can a relationship be between two naive teenagers who don’t know God. No matter how many times we fought I always came back running. I lived in fear of being left and when I was the heartbreak I felt was unreal. Still to this day some of the worst emotional pain I have ever felt. 

At seventeen I fell in love with a guy who was still in love with someone else, ouch. He liked me because he was lonely and I filled his space in his heart but in the end he still chose her. I still contemplate if what I felt with this guy was love but I remember being drunk one night telling him I loved him and I'm fairly certain I meant it. 

At eighteen I fell in love the hardest. He was the savior to all my previous heartbreaks and issues. No, it wasn’t Jesus, yet. My heart has never longed for someone so much. I battled between choosing him and choosing God. I've never learned so much after one person, when I wasn’t chosen in the end, it hurt but I learned some of the biggest lessons I am living out today. I know I loved him the most and I still to this day wonder why this heartbreak "hurt" the least. I'm thankful to Jesus for that. 

Even before I knew God I would cry out to Him in heartbreak. I had never known pain so bad than to lose what I thought was my everything. Because when you don't know the love of God, you think any other love is everything, and man does it hurt to lose everything.

God is so much better than we think He is. Always. He never fails to amaze me with how much His love can fill the spaces of my heart. In those times where I feel broken or weak His relentless love covers me and comforts my heart. I can’t begin to express how strong the love of God is. It’s easy to feel hurt and broken by people who have hurt you in life because we are loving in the flesh. If Jesus was in the flesh with me all the time I wouldn’t worry about any other man in the world. Yet, He is but a Spirit and has given me, and you, permission to fall in love and be in covenant with another person only to resemble what ours and God’s relationship already looks like. 

So when I catch myself wishing I could turn back time and go back to when I was in love, and I'm stuck watching these damn indie romance films, I remember what love is made of. Because maybe love was kind in the past, maybe even trusting and hopeful. But without the other ingredients this “love” is less than what God has for me. 

Because I know in the past love was prideful and he was self-seeking. Love was patient but he envied. Sometimes he easily angered and in the end he didn’t persevere. When I remember these things I am set afire with the love God has for me and wants for me in another person. Because I, and you, don’t deserve anything less than a replica of what God’s love offers. A love that is patient, and a love that is kind. It will not envy, and it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love will not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinth 4-8). 

The person for you will be an example of these things, not a perfect one but they will understand what love is and how to love you. Even though love failed me and the moments felt good, I remember this when reminiscing on the past . When I remember how good it feels to be loved and to belong to someone I look to love Himself and am remembered. 

xo,


JM

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