Sometimes I think about walking away

October 13, 2017

Sometimes I think about walking away, usually only for a split second but it still crosses my mind. When it's a rough day and I can't wrap my head around what is happening or what isn't. It can be really hard sometimes. Following Jesus must be a lot like marriage because it seems like whenever I bring up marriage anyone can ever talk about is how hard it is. Why didn't anyone tell me how hard this would be? Dying to yourself is hard and sometimes I think about walking away. 

I've had a rough week and luckily it's just the week and not the season, however, I have let my mind wander to that place. What would I actually do with myself if I allowed myself to step away from God? Where would I go? Who would I talk to? Would the anxiety come back? Who would I spend the night with? Would I strive to get the things I needed? These questions make me sick just allowing them to circle around. I think I would feel a lot like an empty vessel with a compass missing "due North".

You may be thinking, "man, she's really in a bad place" and truth is I'm not. I've been good, great even, but I cannot deny the feeling that life may be easier if I walked away. It is truly hard to live righteously and to live a life in accordance with the Spirit. What. I'm believing in the most powerful thing in the world yet it's still hard and I feel weak. I used to think life was hard {prior to Jesus} and man is He giving me a run for my money. I wonder how different things would be if I didn't choose God. I wonder if I would still be in New York City. I wonder if I would be working at this kick-ass internship I got before I left. Maybe I'd even be in love with someone. These are all things I am craving to have in my life right now. So what if I had all those things and not God? 

I don't know.  I truthfully don't know what my life would be like if I had chosen differently. On the flip side, I might have ended up even more broken than I was to begin with. I think I would look up at the sky and wonder why I had all these things and still wasn't happy. So, for the sake of wholeness, I have stayed. 

I have pushed through my wants and needs for the desire to be whole. With or without the career of my dreams. With or without someone to love. With or without my favorite city. It still hurts to think about having all these things or rather not having them. I left the tangibility of these things when I chose Jesus. 

I come back to reality and know that I know that I know that God is good and that He is for me. I often forget who I used to be before I allowed God into my heart and change me. Very few people that are in my life actually knew me before God. I wonder if even they remember what I was like. Even if they did know me, they didn't know the depths of who I was or what I struggled with. I barely knew. So much ugliness has been brought to the surface. It has been felt and dealt with. I'm beyond grateful for that. I think to when people ask me how I am, I say I'm doing really well, and I know that I'm not lying. I can honestly and truly say that I am happy. I never had that before Jesus. 

I opened the Bible App today to see that the verse of the day was Psalm 94 and these verses alone spoke to my heart. 

Psalm 94:16

Who stood up for me against the wicked? Who took my side against evil workers? 
If God hadn't been there for me, I never would have made it.
The minute I said, "I'm slipping, I'm falling" 
your love, God, took hold of me and held me fast.
When I was upset and beside myself,
you calmed me down and cheered me up. 

Psalm 94:12

How blessed the man you train, God, the woman you instruct in your Word, 
providing a circle of quiet within the clamor of evil, 
while a jail is being built for the wicked. 
God will never walk away from his people, 
never desert his precious people.

"How blessed the man you train", this verse alone reminds me exactly where I am is exactly where I need to be and, I know now, where I want to be. How blessed am I for God is training me? He instructs me in his Word. It's easy to look at the things we have lost or don't have but what we gain is so much greater. The things I have been wanting all my life are on hold and that's okay. I believe God wants us to go in with the outcome of thriving. If I had these things now I know I would only be surviving and God wants so much more than just survival. Even when I allow such thoughts open me up to the mystery of what might have been He is sweet and He is with me. He holds me tightly and reminds me that He knows the struggles of this world, He lived it.

So, for the sake of joy, friendship, community, trust, intimacy, knowledge, discernment, understanding, compassion, miracles, and above all an unconditional and reckless love; I have not walked away and will not walk away. I choose to stay and I choose to not walk away because He didn't, hasn't and never will.

I wouldn't give up the embrace of God for any part of the world. 


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